Envy

Road construction has my usual walking/biking routes re-routed.  As a creature of habit, my intent was to reconnect to the usual route with a simple run around the other side of the block.  But then I thought I’d take a new street, run under I-94 and check out an area I’ve never been in before.

I ended up in a very nice neighborhood with larger homes probably built 20 or so years ago. Beautiful homes; Gorgeous and sprawling yards.  The envy set in.  The longing for a home with a yard to putter in, grow things and to call my own shifted my mood.

When I returned to my home, I felt the sadness.  In awhile, I thought of my usual route, which took me through an older part of town where the homes were small.  Without knowing my facts, I would say they were built in the 30’s and 40’s.  They were closer together than in the newer neighborhoods.  The yards were small; Quaint.

I started to think about what I had envisioned for my perfect home.  Emphasis on HAD envisioned.  I wanted to live in the country on a hobby farm again.  I’m not so sure anymore.  It’s important to ask what emotion or feeling you want to FEEL – to bring into your body. How will what you are doing bring happiness or contentment?  Will what brought joy 20 years ago, bring joy now? Joy usually comes from very simple things. Outdoors, surrounded by greenery comes to mind. Being able to watch the things you planted grow.  That’s just about all I’m missing.  I have a few planters set out in front of my windows with geraniums. That’s good enough.  I chose not to rent a garden plot and instead, buy fresh produce from the Farmer’s Market. That’s good enough, too.

I no longer feel envious.  My memories of living on a hobby farm south of Audubon are good.  The house was old and in very bad shape, but it sat on 60 acres of gorgeous land.  I have good memories of a home that my ex-husband and I built on the Mississippi River.  It was 3 acres of secluded beauty.

That’s not my life now.  My life is in a 2 bedroom basement apartment. I focus on the things that are important to me. I enjoy being able to write down my thoughts and feelings. I enjoy the things I’m learning with Photoshop and the other programs I play with. I enjoy cooking.  I’m planning for my future.

I will bloom where I am planted. The green monster’s got nothing on me!

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